Sunday, August 23, 2015

What is the cost?

It wasn't what I'd thought life would be like, watching my daughter lying in the hospital room while she mumbles that she wants to go home or she loves her dad. My nose is plugged with the emotion I've bottled up, the occasional tear drifting down only from happenstance rather than emotion. The bars on her bed are the only thing keeping me from curling up on the bed next to her and finally allowing the tears to flow.

"Hey Mom" Her voice is almost a whisper. "what are you doing here?"

"I came to make sure you were okay, of course, silly." I brush back the hair from her forehead and give her a small kiss.

"Oh I'm fine." She reaches out to me with her mummy wrapped arm and grabs my hand. "jusss fine. I'm just sooooo tired. I don't know what they gave me but I could sleeeee----p alllll....."

"You sleep. I'm going to sit here for a while and make sure you're okay. I will have to leave in a while to go back to work but I wanted to come see you and make sure you were okay."

"Thank you mommy. I love you."

"I love you too hon." I sit back to watch her sleep thinking she would slip into quiet unconsciousness but her head tosses back and forth as she moved into immediate restless delusion.

"Don't call me a liar. I'm not" She is talking loudly but the dream is her companion. "Hit. Don't hit..."

"He's gone, hon" Her eyes are still closed, involved in the conversation of her nightmare. "Shhhh." I console with little result. "I love you. Just relax."

The nurse peeps in and notes that the doctor will want to see her alone in a few moments to check vitals, says her condition is stable, alcohol levels are low enough that she is out of danger and the cuts on her arm were stitched up and she'd have scars but she could probably be released under parent supervision later today when she is sober enough. I'm skeptical but relieved.

I lean back into the chair, trying to relax but the muscles are taut with anxiety and apprehension. Too much, Too many times. Too hard to bear. I'd made mistakes. I know I did. I made mistakes that couldn't be unraveled but it's too much to think that it started with that day sitting on that doorstep in my wedding dress, wondering, dreading, but telling myself it was the Right thing to do. It was What the Church Wanted. It was what the Parents Wanted. It was what my Baby needed. It was what GOD wanted. It was what was RIGHT. And as a result it would all work out. right? RIGHT????

IT would right????????  

Friday, July 3, 2015

Am I back?

I have no idea. 

I have been without a computer for a long while and before that my computer screen had dead pixels and it was getting harder and harder to do any writing on it. I temporarily have an older computer to work on but it's got 3 gigs of RAM and it keeps telling me that I don't have enough memory to do the things I'm doing on it (BOO!). But I can't very well complain when the computer was semi free so I will make due for now. 

I've been missing the blogging world and have been pleased to find a few of my blogging friends on Facebook even though it's not quite the same dynamic there. I don't post a lot personally but I am an administrator for my library's FB page so I've taken a lot of the social networking lessons I've learned here and applied them there. I thank you all for the advice you've offered freely because I've felt like I had a lot to offer when I was asked to be the administrator there. 

I've also learned a few things from the Social Networking professional they hired to teach us how to more effectively use social network. One lesson she hammered away at is that to promote yourself successfully you have to post frequently. She recommended at least 5 times a day. Post on a variety of  topics- being safely controversial is always good but not so controversial or offensive that you scare people off. That was one lesson I'd already learned from my years blogging but not one I am always good at remembering :) 

Cute pictures and sentimental posts always catch a lot of people's eyes.... Let's see. I know I'm missing some but I think all my blogging friends can add to the list of things they have learned over the years- so... 

What have you learned about social networking that you would tell a new person if you were giving a seminar?   

(Obligatory cute baby picture to catch your attention. My granddaughter. ) 

Friday, March 20, 2015

Happy Vernal Equinox


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Facebook and google intrusions

I recently joined Facebook (if you want to follow me- feel free!) as our Library was setting up a page and to be an administrator you had to have an account to set it up. And knowing what I knew about networking (thanks to all my blogging friends who have taught me so much over the years!) I knew that I would need to be active on Facebook, friend people that I might not have seen in some years and take some risks. It paid off and the branch has the followers it needs but it came just as the Facebook scandal erupted about how Facebook had done a week long test in 2012 on it's users to see if it could get change their moods based on their friend's postings. So they only allowed them to see the negative postings of their friends to see how it would effect the users. It was pretty nefarious and of course that came close on the heals of all the mining that all of the social network sites do at the behest of the NSA. So I just feel a sort of love/hate relationship for all my social networking sites. On one hand, I love that  I have met blogging friends that I never would have otherwise and I have gotten in touch with friends (on Facebook) again. Google+ also automatically backs up all my photos so that when my phone inexplicably corrupted my SD card the other day, I didn't lose a single picture. It also does cute things like this:  
Made a gif of my little Leyla. So cute! A little scary though that it did it on it's own. It also makes photo albums of my pictures. Dates and puts the place in for me. Yup, a little scary. 
or like this one, it did a little finishing up on it. Framed it, changed the color... All a little creepy. Someday I'll wake up and my phone will have chosen my outfit for me. 

In other news... 
I hate to hear this but the Guardian had an article today that author median incomes are collapsing. The article stated,
According to a survey of almost 2,500 working writers – the first comprehensive study of author earnings in the UK since 2005 – the median income of the professional author in 2013 was just £11,000, a drop of 29% since 2005 when the figure was £12,330 (£15,450 if adjusted for inflation), and well below the £16,850 figure the Joseph Rowntree Foundation says is needed to achieve a minimum standard of living. The typical median income of all writers was even less: £4,000 in 2013, compared to £5,012 in real terms in 2005, and £8,810 in 2000. 
Despite headlines about record-breaking deals – most recently for a slice of One Direction fan fiction, which earned Anna Todd a mid-six-figure deal with Simon & Schuster – the "vast majority" of writers receive advances that are well below the level that would make them equivalent to a salary, said Smythe. "I know very few writers who earn above the Minimum Income Standard, and that means that they need second jobs," said Smythe. "Awards and critical acclaim used to be enough, in the heady days of 1970s publishing. It's simply not, now. 
"Most people know that a few writers make a lot of money. This survey tells us about the vast majority of writers, who don't," said Cope. "It's important that the public should understand this – and why it is so important for authors to be paid fairly for their work."
 I guess for me, this is why it's important to push the value of reading in our society. Those of us who are readers (and writers) assume that the rest of the world are like we are. And even if we have a vague idea that there are fewer people reading we don't take it terribly seriously, because well, we're reading and some people we know are reading so it will be okay. In fact, statistics show that fewer people are reading and fewer people will continue to read unless there is a push give a love of reading back to children. We have drained the life out of it with testing and reading levels and time limits, etc. It's time to give kids back imagination and fun! The love of a good book!!

In that vein, I remember what gave me a LOVE for reading: my second grade teacher used to read aloud to us. Specifically she read the Boxcar Children and Ramona the Pest. Her dramatic readings took me to the school library where I began my own forays into the many beloved titles.

What gave you a love for reading? 


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