It wasn't what I'd thought life would be like, watching my daughter lying in the hospital room while she mumbles that she wants to go home or she loves her dad. My nose is plugged with the emotion I've bottled up, the occasional tear drifting down only from happenstance rather than emotion. The bars on her bed are the only thing keeping me from curling up on the bed next to her and finally allowing the tears to flow.
"Hey Mom" Her voice is almost a whisper. "what are you doing here?"
"I came to make sure you were okay, of course, silly." I brush back the hair from her forehead and give her a small kiss.
"Oh I'm fine." She reaches out to me with her mummy wrapped arm and grabs my hand. "jusss fine. I'm just sooooo tired. I don't know what they gave me but I could sleeeee----p alllll....."
"You sleep. I'm going to sit here for a while and make sure you're okay. I will have to leave in a while to go back to work but I wanted to come see you and make sure you were okay."
"Thank you mommy. I love you."
"I love you too hon." I sit back to watch her sleep thinking she would slip into quiet unconsciousness but her head tosses back and forth as she moved into immediate restless delusion.
"Don't call me a liar. I'm not" She is talking loudly but the dream is her companion. "Hit. Don't hit..."
"He's gone, hon" Her eyes are still closed, involved in the conversation of her nightmare. "Shhhh." I console with little result. "I love you. Just relax."
The nurse peeps in and notes that the doctor will want to see her alone in a few moments to check vitals, says her condition is stable, alcohol levels are low enough that she is out of danger and the cuts on her arm were stitched up and she'd have scars but she could probably be released under parent supervision later today when she is sober enough. I'm skeptical but relieved.
I lean back into the chair, trying to relax but the muscles are taut with anxiety and apprehension. Too much, Too many times. Too hard to bear. I'd made mistakes. I know I did. I made mistakes that couldn't be unraveled but it's too much to think that it started with that day sitting on that doorstep in my wedding dress, wondering, dreading, but telling myself it was the Right thing to do. It was What the Church Wanted. It was what the Parents Wanted. It was what my Baby needed. It was what GOD wanted. It was what was RIGHT. And as a result it would all work out. right? RIGHT????
I have been without a computer for a long while and before that my computer screen had dead pixels and it was getting harder and harder to do any writing on it. I temporarily have an older computer to work on but it's got 3 gigs of RAM and it keeps telling me that I don't have enough memory to do the things I'm doing on it (BOO!). But I can't very well complain when the computer was semi free so I will make due for now.
I've been missing the blogging world and have been pleased to find a few of my blogging friends on Facebook even though it's not quite the same dynamic there. I don't post a lot personally but I am an administrator for my library's FB page so I've taken a lot of the social networking lessons I've learned here and applied them there. I thank you all for the advice you've offered freely because I've felt like I had a lot to offer when I was asked to be the administrator there.
I've also learned a few things from the Social Networking professional they hired to teach us how to more effectively use social network. One lesson she hammered away at is that to promote yourself successfully you have to post frequently. She recommended at least 5 times a day. Post on a variety of topics- being safely controversial is always good but not so controversial or offensive that you scare people off. That was one lesson I'd already learned from my years blogging but not one I am always good at remembering :)
Cute pictures and sentimental posts always catch a lot of people's eyes.... Let's see. I know I'm missing some but I think all my blogging friends can add to the list of things they have learned over the years- so...
What have you learned about social networking that you would tell a new person if you were giving a seminar?
(Obligatory cute baby picture to catch your attention. My granddaughter. )
Hi all! I've been away for a while and I'll explain more in another post... in the meantime: Happy first day of spring! Or Happy Vernal Equinox!! Fun Fact about Spring: There is a persistent myth that at the vernal equinox, and only at the vernal equinox, can you stand a raw egg on its end. There is an equally persistent rebuttal that says it’s not possible at any time to balance a raw egg on its end. Neither assertion is true. With a little patience (or sometimes a lot), you can balance a raw egg on its end at any time of year. The first day of spring has nothing to do with it.