An old friend

You came by with a little nudge on the back of her shoulder this afternoon. She shrugged you off hoping you would go away in the usual way. It's been over a year since the two of you had a real knock-down-drag-out and she thought she had had the last word when she took that doctor's advice and showed you the door. Take these pills and come back to see me if you need some more help, he'd said with a smile. I think we've got it all under control though. She looked at him in disbelief, after all, the two of you had been together for a long time... the purchase of a house, the birth of her youngest son and the flailing years of an already bad marriage. Almost twenty years. Hard to believe that she was going to get rid of you now. You don't believe me? Confidence of a man who has spent too many years in school being told that he can do anything with his education and the right prescription. We'll see. Lack of confidence of a woman who has been left throwing up into a box in the backseat of her car, eyes and head spinning. Then she tries to head to refuge and bed only giving in after having barely driven a mile, she pulls over to cry, throw up some more, rest and drive a bit further. Rinse and repeat.  Disbelief of a woman who takes pain pills 2 or 3 times a week to be able to function. Sometimes not functioning. Because of you. Because you have been around for nearly as long as she can remember.

And here you are again...
nagging, pinching, pulsing,

Sounds, colors, dimensions rotating, echo and slide off one another into a kaleidoscopic reality that defies attempts to focus 
Lights and angling surfaces lose focus, an agonizing back-drop to the little universe of frayed nerves
 rolling, reeling space
disconnect between

Thought                              &

hand
should lie down
only worse!
not throwing up...! thank god
yet
Medicine now!
 to get rid of...
my "friend" of 20 (or more??) years.


(Once again. I am indebted to my doctor, Dr. Moon of the Denver Neurological Clinic that my migraines have gotten so much better! While I am not completely cured as he had hoped, they are so much better that I am no longer taking migraine pain medication 2 or 3 times a week which also means that I don't have to worry that my insurance cover it and force me to pay $200 for the medicine -which only lasted a week- or leave me begging & crying for help from the pharmacist. Which I did one day. Completely humiliating.)

Thank you Dr. Moon!

In July, I went to see a neurologist about my migraines with the insane hope that he might help me. I have had migraines for years, at least 15 years and by this time I was taking migraine meds at least once a week and sometimes more. (Many of these walks I take, the trips to the zoo, etc. would not have happened because many days I was simply worn out from the meds or the pain) Sometimes I required so many meds that I had to beg the pharmacist to give me more than my premium #1 healthcare would allow and they had to fool the insurance company into allowing it (Yay! American health insurance!!!!--yup, sarcasm). A low point was when I actually broke down crying when the pharmacist told me it would be $200 dollars for 6 pills if I needed them right then (which I did). It's lovely crying at the grocery store. 

Four months later, I have not been bedridden with one...  So in a final homage to my migraines I will simply post a migraine... (at least I hope they are finally really gone!) 

My head oscillates on my neck- each ending point producing a tiny jolt in the back of my skull. I lean back onto the bench and close my eyes, hoping to ease the ache that is settling in behind my eyes.  My interiors bob.  The pinprick of a thousand needles interferes with the faces of the chorus before me. Lunging into my bag I seek relief before I’m overwhelmed with misery, swallowing like it’s my final gulp of water before succumbing to death, then adjust back and neck so that they align or at least lie in conjunction to each other. My eyelids close out of self-preservation rather than lingering weariness. If I caught it in time…

Time… metronomic and precise, calculated and mathematical. Suddenly suspended. Interminable. Endless. Only slogging on to the next fraction with the reluctance of a child returning home for punishment.  

Tick, the nerve throbbing behind my eye, 

tock, veins pulse behind my left nostril, 

tick, ache at the top of the left eyeball, 

tock, light ray penetrating cornea, 

tick, head seems to expand- hostile takeover of the senses, 

tock.

ti—i-ck…

Sounds, colors and dimensions rotate, echo, and slide off one another into a kaleidoscopic reality that defies attempts to focus. Lights and angling surfaces lose focus, an antagonizing back-drop to my universe of frayed nerves, tumbling intestines and pulsing eyeballs.

I need to get home...