Following your bliss

It's week two of the re-re-re-re-running of Mo and my favorite series Key West (isn't it a coincidence that I love Key West and the show is called Key West???... not so much!! :) Our hero, Seamus, has lost all his money and has spent some hilarious moments on the show trying to make a living at various careers at which he... well, bungles is too gentle a term. He is now in a quandary about what to do in order to fulfill his dream of being a writer and make a living while living on the same island that Ernest Hemingway and Tennessee Williams (and other writers actually!) had gotten their creative juices from. After a visit to the recentering program with the town's sheriff, Cody tells Seamus about his vast experience in living a life of bliss wherein he became "a lion, manifested" while Seamus sits beside him, ostensibly meditating. But the sheriff realizes he can't live his life that way. They'd put him in a zoo. So he had to "learn how to do his karma dance with the physical thing." 

   

So my favorite quote is the one that has gotten me through the darker moments of my work related life in the past five to six years, like when I was working a second job at the local grocery store as a Courtesy Clerk (a.k.a. Bagger). I had to go out on some of the coldest nights of the year-- well, correction they were actually record cold temperatures that year--  to bring in the grocery carts... and I was already so tired and weary after having worked at my other job all day and I wondered why I was out there schlepping metal carts around on the pavement in between the poorly parked cars for people who were too lazy to even put them somewhere that I could get to easily... Why was I doing this again? I was often in tears (or had icicles on my cheeks that wanted to be tears) as I shoved the carts through the snow angrily. 

And the answer would inevitably come that I left my old life in order to be a writer. I NEEDED to be a writer--- and I couldn't be a writer and be on my own without money...I needed as Cody put it "The green energy" So...         

My favorite quote from the show for this week and the question to ponder...

“How do you live in this world and follow your bliss?"

Inspiration for Writing

Streams of Life
The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day

runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth

in numberless blades of grass

and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth

and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.

And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

by Rabindranath Tagore

Your Spirit-Animal

In one of the iconic scenes from my favorite show (it becomes redundant to rename it each time...), Seamus sits in a lotus position (Well, he doesn’t really get to the classic lotus position. He’s really cross-legged.). Transition to a shot of the magnificent blue, teal, lapis lazuli, turquoise, cobalt waters where dolphins pas de deux in the waves. Seamus inhales deeply, taking in the breath of life from the island. One mammal delves into the deep, calling brightly into the darkness and smiling at the camera as the scene fades back to the contemplating New Jersey boy who was born to be a gearhead but who longs to be another Ernest Hemingway.

The dolphins are, as you come to find out, a symbol for who Seamus is... or as Sheriff Cody would say, "his spirit guide" Earlier in the scene, the mantraing peace officer explains the concept by telling his own experience at Joshua Tree ("very high energy there...")The memory is written on his face and you can see traces of his own animalistic adventures when he tells the Seeker how he became "...a lion, manifested."

His face molds into a feline grin as he describes his experience. "I started running, butt-nude, naked, barefoot over burning sands. I was a LION. I became my spirit animal.You hear what I'm saying Seeker? I was not following my bliss... I was bliss! I was the dream. I ran 23 miles, barefoot over burning sand. You follow me traveler?... That is the deepest moment I've ever experienced down here in dense matter. All I ever wanted for the rest of my life was to bound over boulders and chase small game. Couldn't live my life that way though... they'd put me in a zoo."

Most of us aren't torn between our spirit animal and the existence we would have as such. Most of us have no idea what living in that kind of wild abandonment would be like. We are consumed with what Cody realizes as a simple necessary ingredient to survival-- the "green energy." Unfortunately, when it becomes our focus, our goal, it loses "energy" and the best we can realize is a zoo-like existance, pacing in our cages, counting the steps between meals. But the life of the wild animal in the zoo is a truncated life and at some point it is time to ask yourself what kind of life you really want? WHAT is your spirit guide telling you?

Seamus, earlier in the episode (before he lost his lottery winnings) tells the conchs in Gumbo's End o' the World Cafe to follow their dreams. He espouses a famous quote of Joseph Campbell to "follow your bliss" to Rikki who is certain he is referring to the "Soup Guy." Later he asks Flame, one of the bar's dancers, what her dream is and encourages her to go to Paris to study ballet (in spite of her age and apparent lack of classical training).

This leads naturally to finding that inner self, the spirit animal that will guide you when you are tempted to climb back into the cave, stepping in time to the dinner all and will give you courage when the night is serenaded by predators.

Dreams

Last night I dreamt of you-
dreamt of the day on the beach
our skin browned in the sun
the sand clinging to limbs
We swam out to the rocks and reclined,
limbs interlocked
flesh melting
The water laps at the rocks reminiscent of
sex
you
in me
out
in
We are tugged and pulled,
the ocean's fingers draw at us
enticing us
to dance with the residents of the deep
to linger
in our forgetfulness

Cross-stitching life

Can you start life over? Can you undo a lifetime of---well, I'll just call it what it was-- brainwashing and make yourself into who you could have been, should have been?

For nearly four years-- well, really five years-- since the October I read 'Dance of the Dissident Daughter' I have been feeling my way along, looking, learning, unraveling, reweaving. It's like one of my cross-stitch stockings. I got to a point and realized that I had made a mistake. The pattern was wrong and it was ugly- lopsided. Wrong. And unfortunately the ugliness had bled into the stockings I had made for my children. (An interesting metaphor that actually says more than I even intended-- ) So it was time to decide what to do with it. Did I hang on to it and live with what I had? Not terribly tempting since it left me in the same place essentially. Did I undo part of it and fix as much as possible? Tempting- it's hard to unravel those little stitches and even fixing it a bit is going to take quite some time... or do I take it all out and start over?? (That is going to be a LOT of work!) OR should I chuck it all out the door and just start over???? Sounds the easiest in many regards but isn't really-- after all I have to pick a new pattern, buy new thread, new cloth,etc.-- and life of course isn't as easy to get clean as an Aida cloth.

But the old had to go. It was untenable to try and salvage most of it and just repair bits. There was simply too much wrong with it.

So, little by little...

here, a really bad part. Undo that.

Ugh! that bit there is completely backwards-- you have to take that out!

And this is completely the wrong color.

Life had been based on what would be-- on there being a life after life that would reward the pain and struggle in this life. Life wasn't based on there being any value in it. The "stocking" had no value in and of itself. It was something to be made because you needed to have something to show for your time on planet earth.

And that is essentially it-- I didn't have anything worth salvaging because it wasn't a life, it was a travail that you went through to get to the other side. My theology would adjust and I'd see my role on the planet differently but essentially it was all for the same purpose- to come to that day and have the Father tell me, "Well, done good and faithful servant." I was always waiting-- eternally waiting--- for??? Maybe to be what we all want to be- (and that for some is not as elusive as it was for me)- accepted as a REAL person- for who I WAS. Who I AM. (...although I had the problem that much of the template that had been used for the pattern of who I was had been tampered with- altered by the force of religion-- really generations of religious background that may even have been imprinted at this point in my DNA and family issues that had never been dealt with. )

So I looked it over, this stocking, and realized that what I was left with was---

shit.

and it was going to need to be started over- or at least as close as possible.

and the process of undoing has been long and painful

and is still going on.

But what I have before now me is good-- because I have gotten a good deal undone and I think I have figured out a way to add a new bit of Aida cloth rather than unraveling the whole bit. And what I have so far is good because it is done with my own hand, with my own ideas and my own conception of who I am and what I want. I know I would be a different person had I been raised without the restrictions of religion. I know that I would have made completely different choices had I not believed certain things-- and that is important because it leads me to a better place since now I know that I would have been a better person had the circumstances been different- so there is something to aim for. But also because now I know that much of what IS good about me now had nothing to do with the way I was raised. (in fact to the contrary-- my intelligence was stifled-- after all, outsmarting god or smarty pantsing your way to unbelief was a quick road to hell. Dangerous!...Now there is an effective control technique! After all, if you nurture your intelligence, if you ask too many hard questions or the questions take you to the wrong place- with wrong being doubts about god or even having different beliefs about god- then you will lose your faith which ultimately leads you to destruction -the unspoken ever present scary place... hell!Believers like to pretend that they don't want to scare people into belief in god but that is what their statements always lead them to whether they will admit it or not)

I finished a book called 'Superstition' last week (see earlier post). The author, Robert Park Prof. of Physics at Princeton, goes after superstitions of all kinds but really what he does alongside that is show what it is inside homo sampiens that has led them to accept superstition that is out of sync with reality today (although I think he could have gone further with this point) And he also shows how humanity has evolved and how the ethic of "doing unto others" is really a part of that evolution. (That's one of those things, you know-- this sort of innate, deeply ingrained prejudice that I grew up with- that people who didn't believe in god weren't really good people, that they might try to be good but they were always overcome by their real (corrupt) nature. And as many years as I have worked at undoing that mythology, it still lingers. Always more to unravel.)

So here I am-- standing at the brink of a beginning.

We, Maurice and I, want to travel-- to Key West (some more!)- to Epypt (I really want to see the pyrmids!) -to the ruins of Troy--- Our travel will always be geared around some bits of history we want to smell, touch, feel... We also want to go to Princeton and the east coast to see Fitzgerald's home (After having read 'This side of paradise' the idea of seeing the places he writes about is really intriguing).

I have a new job-- but my new job is really more than a change in where I am going to be in two weeks. I got this job as a new person, based on my experience and who I am-. When I started the job I currently have at Libaria at Grant M.S., I was hired as a body. The principal could have cared less who I was or if I loved reading, etc. I could have sat in the library here doing nothing and he would have been happy as long as the kids could get a book when they needed it. The new principal is not much better. She really only wants a body. I truly think she thought I would stay here and do what I do for less money- and while the money is not the issue- it does symbolize something in the system I work in. And it symbolizes something for me personally-- for one thing it's me saying to the world, "I have too much experience and give too much to this school to take less than what I have now" and it's me saying to myself, "You have something to offer- give it." It's me saying "I am not just a body. I have value."

--
"We are all standing at the station. The train is always leaving and the soul checks it's watch and wonders if its his time to go." -Cole, character in Key West, episode: Act of God.

"And the true realism, always and everywhere, is that of the poets: to find out where joy resides, and give it a voice far beyond singing. For to miss the joy is to miss all." -- Robert Louis Stevenson

Quote for the day

Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music- the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures... Forget yourself.” ~~Henry Miller

the benevolence of place

Fortunately life is not just about politics and issues--



it is also comprised (if you choose it to be so) of sunsets and sunrises; the warm gulf breeze rumpling through salt-sea wet hair; beautiful music that balms the soul as will a perfect passage of poetry; holding hands and gentle kisses during the ordinary moments of the day; a glass of champagne with the sun's final breath; cuddling up in a blanket with a book you have waited to read with adventesque anticipation or heading out to a favorite spot-- a mountaintop or lounging under a palm tree; all gifts to the spirit of the heart.

When I feel the pressures of finance or the burden of survival too keenly, I pull up a glass of Sparkling Beringer and pour myself onto the couch to watch something special. Sometimes, as often as I can, it is my favorite show Key West. It contains not only the magic of a show that was remarkable for an unremarkable industry but reminders of the place that I call home-- though my residence is Denver.

When I am in Key West the waving of a wand to discover treasure that was not there before or the sprinkling of fairy dust so that I can fly seems possible. When I am there, the anxious and darkened past is stripped away. A newness is gifted to me, the possibility of leaving the dim shadows of yesterday in my wake and I am able to look to broader, wider horizons. When I am there, it seems that I can walk right out onto the horizon and keep walking into the wildness of the ocean, peering down at a corner of the world unperceived before. When I am in Key West, I find myself to be who I am.

It is a gift... the benevolence of place. Finding the place you belong, the place that strips away the old paint that was layered there by time... pain... wariness.. weariness... and takes you back to your brick foundations.

Declaration of Independence

I, the writer of this post, hold these truths to be self-evident: that all humans have been created equal, including me, and that I have been endowed, by nature of being a part of that which we call humanity, with certain inalienable rights. Among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I reject the notion that other's happiness come before my own or that others have the right to define my happiness.

Tradition

Americans are not long on legacy. We do not value the time honored traditions and icons of our past. We are in love with NEW things and YOUTH is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As a result we are missing out on a great deal that is beautiful about life.

Recently, a tradition was torn down not too far from where I live. A drive-in that had been in existence since drive-ins were the "latest" was torn down and an apartment building is now being erected there. Scrapping for space, the buildings stand back to back with a pleasant view of well-trafficked thoroughfares. On one side of the property, clinging to life, the marquis of the now dead and buried car theater lingers, a waning shadow of days gone by. It's graffitied front is a reminder of couples grappling in the backseats of '54 chevies, of families piled in station wagons, teenagers clambering into the bed of the pickup so they can lie on a mattress watching the large screen with the tinny dialogue of actors blaring from metal speakers that dangle on the car window. My son, an eleven year-old who has not yet been sold on the Need for New, the love of change or "progress", on our morning drive past the burial ground of family fun, nearly always looks at the new construction with disgust and comments, "Wasting perfectly good space". Undoubtedly the placard will eventually be utilized for advertising the new apartment's appeal to passers-by and a sad final nail will be put in the coffin of the drive-in theater's marker.

As an icon of American values it is more than symbolic that the Cinderella drive-in can be torn down without so much as a sigh from the populace. And it speaks to us poignantly, I suppose, that those things that are, in fact, uniquely American are held in no more reverence than the past from which many escaped to come to this country. For peoples who left their homeland in often difficult circumstances to start anew and who cling only to language and diet for their sense of culture it should not be surprising that American icons hold little or no significance. Perhaps the truth about American tradition is that tradition is despised, ignored and subservient to constant deconstruction and that our true tradition is leaving anything that ties us to the past behind and going after what pads the pocket book. All is subject to the tradition of greed in this country.

But this is a loss for us all. These cultural symbols, these unique institutions that do still linger in our midst, are more than archaic reminders of our youth. They are what give us a past, that connect us to our yesterdays and to each other. It is no coincidence that when the US invaded Iraq and began remaking that country that they allowed the dismantling of the museums and historic sites. It was their very intention to rob the people of that which lies at the center of their identity like a redwood's most interior growth ring, binding them to each other and a venerable narrative of civilization, beauty and grandeur. Without these ties, it is supposed, the people can be broken and remolded into a more complacent and compliant glob, loosely bound together by religious ties which ultimately keep them at odds and distracted. Now concerned, like their conquerors, only with their personal needs ("needs" being defined generously by the marketplace) they are capable of joining the ranks of humanity that are mere consumers. Americans.

Christmas is a specter of our past- a memento of a lost Atlantis that is quickly being extinguished by greed and marketing. Lame protestations about the commercialization of Christmas is simply not enough. It is up to us to fight, to protest, to do something different in order to keep the truth of Christmas-- to be like the Grinch, or Charlie Brown, or Scrooge and find the substance behind the facade, to grip the reality that there is more to life than getting more, buying more, having more, more, more, more. . .

Life really is finding meaning in the little things we do, holding onto memories of our childhood, clinging to tradition and ritual.

songs of the soul...

Music is a uniquely cultural expression- music from one region leaving one cold while inflaming the other. Country music is the balm to many while to me it's a step away from fingernails on a blackboard. A few songs from this genre have made it past my tense inner ear but it is generally safe to say that I do not like country music.

For me, great music does not merely express the achy breaky emotions of the beer drinking couch potato. For me, music gives voice to the soul, allows it to soar when it begins to take wing and articulates inexpressible sorrow. Today, I listen to Prokofieff's Piano Concerto no.3, 'Ada plays' from Cold Mountain and 'Hansel and Gretal in Africa' from Nowhere in Africa. The solicitude of the musician's caress gives a gentleness to the breath of the moment. As compelling as the gulf breeze kissing the surface of the ocean...

And beauty

Your moment of Zen

Sea of the Morning

Here let me stand, that, for a while, I too
may gaze on nature. Marvellous blue tints
of a morning sea and an unclouded sky
contrasting with an amber-coloured shore, —
all luminously beautiful and grand...

Here let me stand and think I see these things


(I really did see them for a moment,
soon after I had stopped) —

and not, here also,
my fantasies, my reminiscences,
the incomparable idols of delight.

~~C.P. Cavafy, translator

more life

I had a recent revelation...

Several years ago I lost about forty pounds. I did it via a book called 'Thin Within'. In this book the author condemns dieting in all forms and talks about the harm dieting does. As she talks about weight, she proposes that those who want to lose weight learn to think about themselves differently. She sets up guidelines about eating that aren't hardfast rules or calorie counting structures. The guidelines are: 1. Eat what you really, really want (even if it's a brownie with ice cream!) 2. Eat only when you are hungry (a real tummy-rumbling hungry) 3. Eat until you are satisfied (not full!). She calls it 0-5 eating-- most of us eat 3-10. If we consistently eat to a 10, we'll gain weight while eating at a 7, we will maintain our weight without losing. 0-5 eating is where the weight just melts off.

Exercise is not mandatory although truly loving yourself will include some type of physical movement- even if it's just dancing around the house for fifteen minutes to your favorite tunes.

What you eat is definitely not guided by rules- it really is eating what you are truly hungry for but she does emphasize not grabbing the chip bag just because your hungry. Eat what you're mind is set on and wait until you can have it or you won't be satisfied.

She also includes a few more guidelines that are important but not as crucial as the first three- like eating consciously- sitting down at the table to eat, no eating or watching TV and eating without thinking, etc. She also asks readers to go through some introspection-- thinking about WHY they are eating... bored? to be social? emotional? angry? (I personally often overeat when I feel poor-- food is my comfort for not having other needs fulfilled due to lack of $$) There are some pages where you ask yourself harder questions-- like things in your past that you may still be beating yourself up over. (I have had plenty of those issues!)

But I digress...

It occurred to me a while back that life in general is like dieting vs. 'Thin Within.' The more you try to regulate yourself and set up a regiment, the more difficult it is. Religion serves this purpose for many-- an organization that gives distinct (or even indistinct) rules about behavior, a "Guide for Living" so to speak. But the more you try to contain your life in a box, the harder it actually is to stay in the guidelines... you crave or just do things that don't fit with "the diet".

However, when you free yourself from those rules, you find that you do have the strength and the ability to make life good and satisfying. You conscientiously live your life the same way you eat-- loving yourself for who you are and being grateful for what life has to offer. Taking each moment as it comes, doing what is right and savoring whatever is before you that you can relish (and it is important to include in your life things that you can truly get lip-smackingly enthusiastic over as often as possible). Don't overdue it. Use the same 0-5 mentality-- don't do something just because it's there (alcohol/drinking might be good example of this) and don't overdue it- use moderation. When you blow it (and we all do and will!), you put down the fork and try again at that moment, not tomorrow (and to be honest, that has always been a sticking point with me!).

a childhood should be...

Santa Claus and Easter egg hunts,

Trick-or-treating until your too cold to walk anymore,

Swinging so high that the swing set is threatening to topple

Reading a scary book (that mom doesn't approve of) under the covers with a flashlight

jumping in the pile of leaves dad just raked

sloshing through water puddles after a big rain

snowball fights with friends

telling spooky stories at a sleepover

strategising on how to defeat your friend's toy army

making a fort from boxes

Baseball/football games on an empty lot

watching monster movies and then staying awake hearing strange noises in the house

dress up

full of play and imagination

magic

Life sucks...

yet it's all we have.

And we do have a tendency to make life difficult for ourselves- living beyond our means so that we are financially strapped and the fear of losing everything hangs heavily over our daily existence. Smoking, drinking excessively, selfishness.. there are plenty of things we do that make life harder than it needs to be. But those difficulties are simply about choices and learning to be satisfied with what we have and spending our time and money on only those things that really add to our daily existence (which is why I don't mind spending a bit more than the average person on books). But there are plenty of things that are out of our control that weigh heavily on the soul... disease, war, disasters, (this will be a long list so I'll let you fill in the blanks) In fact, there is enough misery and difficulty on this planet to make living seem like just a plod-a-long journey with nothing at the end but the Great Unknown. When I was a believer, I lived life for heavenly rewards and thought that my purpose was to serve god. As I untangled myself from the brainwashing that I had undergone since I was born, I had to find a new paradigm... a new model for life.

Fortunately, I had a humanistic outlook on life (I guess that is still part of my christian upbringing-- I believed god really loved the world) and it was easy to see that we should serve each other, our "purpose" should be to contribute something both to the planet we live on and the people we live among. Our daily chores (our jobs) should give something back, in some small way (teachers are the most AMAZING contributors-- it's unfortunate that I didn't want to teach) and hopefully help us find some fulfillment along the way. It's not always easy to give in that way but when you have a passion for what you do each day, then the giving is easier and the price does not diminish us. We should fill our other moments with intentional living... finding beauty and joy in the moments that are given to us -- not mindlessly floating off into the netherworld of non-existence that seems to pervade our culture -television, shopping, diminishing ourselves to simple CONSUMERS. Serendipity brought a man into my life who had a passion for finding the beauty in life and he taught me to let go of some of my burden for the world and my duty to it... to love myself and my life. We have crafted, together, a pretty wonderful life.

Let's face it, we (none of us) are going to change the world (and perhaps that is is not even something we should desire to do)... but we can make our little corner of it a blissful and magical place to be.

And now a word from our sponsors

The sunset on Green Mountain, a glass of champagne and chocolate combined with hand holding and conversation that includes, "remember the time..." makes for a perfect evening.

What's good

It's good to look out your window and see sunshine and blue skies...

It's good to spy yellow, red, gold, and bronze leaves blowing in the breeze...

It's good to smell the scent of fireplace on a cool (not yet cold!) October eve...

It's good to walk in the brisk morning air...

It's good to find a new favorite place...

It's good to find the perfect gift for someone you love...

It's good to have champagne and a great book to curl up with...

It's good to hold hands and receive a kiss on your forehead...

Life is good.

Good

Holiday preparations!

Yay! It's October and we are beginning our Christmas shopping. Lots of fun! At this point in the shopping season we generally spend a lot of time just browsing but we also buy stocking stuffers... tons of cute things to fill the toes of the stockings. And of course birthdays are coming. Tristan and Arielle in two weeks. Mack the week after. Someone special just before Thanksgiving (give you one guess??? and she LOVES packages!) and Maurice's the beginning of December. It used to be "Birthday Hell" starting with Arielle's birthday but it's gotten much easier since there aren't parties to plan. There are lots of cute things for Halloween out there- lots of scary, spine tingling toys to gross out the kiddies. I love it!

Key West

See that palm tree silhouetted against the sky? Those are the cerulean skies of Key West, the canopy we slept under on a warm afternoon (it happened to be June but it could have been October.)

Wouldn't you like to go there with me?

all the space and mystery...

at the edge of the ocean...

It's a wonderful life...

I am spiritual person-- with or without a deity. I believe in the unity of humanity and that when you are still and quiet you feel the power of the connection that binds us all with the universe. (there are some that might call that god but they don't believe you need to believe it IS god-- I'm fine with those people. But I don't believe it is god, just remains of the star dust that make up the universe which we all carry within us)

I have a tremendous peace and humbleness before a sunset...

or sunrise.

I weep when I hear the whisper of the wind in the palm trees at night and see the stars twinkle in the sky.

My breath is taken away by a beautiful passage in literature.

I feel a great joy and elation when I hear a symphony or the lyrical tones of Chris Botti.

I believe there is something bigger than myself that I am to serve-- not god, but humanity because if there is a god, then god would definitely want people to care for each other. Especially those who are not able to care for themselves. My duty to humanity is to contribute something in this world-- to make it a better place in some small way--even if it's just putting a wonderful book in a kid's hands...

life is good